I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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