yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
