Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
