i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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