All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
