I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
