I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
