The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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