taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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