totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
