Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
