tell your sister to shave her snatch
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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