I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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