If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
