I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
