I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
