Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
