Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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