sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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