As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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