I'm gonna have a badass scar
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
