i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
