Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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