i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
