come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
