I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
