does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
