I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
