i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I will pee on everything he values.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
