I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
