i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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