Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
