i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
