I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
