I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
