after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
