She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
