Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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