you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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