I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
