I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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