He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
