Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
