she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Randomize
