her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
