I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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