Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
