she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
