Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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