we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
