Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
