He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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