Already got asked if we're dating
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
