So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize