You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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