: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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