just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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