I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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