We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
