Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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