This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
