She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
