you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
