1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
