remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
