I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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