If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
