I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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