You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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