Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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