im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I had to cum in my sink.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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