I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
foreskin is a definite game changer
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
