On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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