why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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